Lonesome

Drove around with Boston for an hour today, not knowing where to turn. It's Friday and Jason works the evening shift, leaving at noon to go to work. I dread Friday's and Saturdays for this reason. It's lonely enough being home with an infant all day, not to mention all night too.
For most of my life, I've had to go looking for family outside my "home." Now that I've started my own family, I still feel that way sometimes. That survival switch kicks on sometimes and I go searching. But I get so tired of having to go crawling around for a place of belonging when I'm feeling down. Of all times, that's the worst to go looking for support. It just feels so terribly pathetic. Eventually, you have blown things so way out of proportion in your head that you think no place is safe to let your drama spill over.
I don't know what got me starting the day off on this foot, but it ended up looking like a quiet drive on the freeway along the foothills with a sleeping baby (thank goodness) in the backseat. I went through drive-through for lunch and we managed to kill the first few hours of the afternoon.

Adjustment Phase

THings are starting to get a little easier. BOston is consolidating his sleep better which gives me larger chunks of time to tune in to myself. Yesterday, I went to the gym which felt amazing! Today, Jason is working a late shift, so it will feel like a long day without Daddy coming home to change things up a bit. But Boston had a rough night and I didn't sleep well so it's been a stay in day of watching movies and tooling around on the internet while Boston naps.
Earlier this week, I noticed it was hard for me to be content to be at home. It seemed I was anxious about not connecting with the people in my life at least every other day. But now I realize that Boston needs most of my attention and it's okay for me to be loosely connected for a period of time while we adjust here at home. It's still a stretch for me to get out of the house some days. He's still on a demanding schedule and that can usurp the fun out of any outing pretty quickly. Breastfeeding isn't hard, but it still takes alot of focus on my part and doing it in public is more of a nusance than anything. SO this week, I made it my job to read up on napping and what I should be doing for him. We've been practicing each day adn I'm amazed at what Boston has taught me. Getting results is HUGE for my confidence as a new mom! Who knows, maybe next week I'll take it a step further and get out of the house to experiment with something else. I trust my friends, especially non-moms will understand adn be patient. I don't want to be a recluse and I DO want to get Boston out, but I've got to be comfortable too so that I can enjoy the things we do. There's also the element of family time. I've learned to be more protective of that because Jason works alot and we love to have him home when he finally gets here. So on his days off and evenings when he gets home, I'm trying to put boundaries on our time as a family. I wasn't so good at doing this at first because I didn't know any better. But now I've figured out it has top priority.
Having a baby means taking it day by day because your world doesn't revolve around your plans anymore. It revolves around one very needy, very special person.

A sigh of RELIEF

A brief moment to blog here while Boston is extending his nap now past his usual 2 hour feeding mark. Yippeee!
As I was cleaning up this morning, I noticed some curious characteristics about our home now...A burp cloth on every armrest, a pacifer on each counter and coffee top corner, baby blankets strewn throughout the apartment, and a nursery picked apart from the midnight-2am-and 4am feedings. But you know what makes it all so enduring? The feeling I get from bathing my cooing baby this morning with yummy smelling baby soap and gently working the lotion into his puggy little legs and arms; Brushing his soft head of fuzz while he looks up at me with pursed lips and deep blue eyes. And now, I finally reap the rewards of two long days of consoling work as he melts into a deep sleep, wrapped in his warm fuzzy nightgown. Oh, I could write baby poetry forever!
I am also sitting here, clean as a whistle. I took the time and consideration to put perfume on this morning after my shower. Normally I think, 'What's the use?' But the use is is that it grounds me again to the beautiful, alluring woman that I am yet so often don't feel as I'm slimed with spitup and bra-stains of leaky milk.
Uh-oh...The clock strikes 12...Boston is crying, duty calls.

Mommy's Best Friend

We are three and a half weeks in now and yet it feels like 3 months, simply because of the amount of learning jammed into those 3 weeks.
Breastfeeding and learning to pump a bottle has been our biggest challenge this week. Introducing the pump is like introducing a third party to your body. Amazing how a woman's body and her child intertwine in such a relationship while breastfeeding. There's a rhythm being formed there I wasn't aware of until now. What it really comes down to is taking everything in small, itty-bitty, tiny-weeny doses with your newborn. It was great having Jason feed Boston his first bottle of mama's milk, but I'm pretty sure I need to let things get in sync more before taking that next big step. I saw it affect my milk supply and not being able to satisfy my baby was a big let down (no pun intended).
There are so many things I want to write about, changes and new experiences I find in being a mom everyday. Like today, I was giving loud, silly kisses to Boston's face- lips, cheeks, eyes, ears, most of which was covered in spit up. I thought to myself, 'Only a mom would kiss the barf off her child's face!' I'm SO happy to finallly be a mom!

First Week of Newborn

It is as exhilarating and exhausting as everyone says it is. In trying to find time for myself, the best I can do is pray, take deep breaths and as many warm baths as it takes to soothe my aching muscles.
Motherhood is wonderful. I'm so in love and feel more selfless than ever. At the same time though, I'm drained and find it hard to know where to turn. Jason is so helpful here at home during his time off, but when it comes to emotional support he eventually feels inept at helping me. This morning, he is going out to take care of some music stuff. Unfortunately that is when I started to vent. It's hard for me to see him up and leave for several hours while I'm confined to a feeding, changing, sleeping schedule for Boston. And although I could get out on my own with Boston, I'm still to nervous to do that. Fears that I will expose him to too much or that I will not be able to handle the car seat on my own paralyze me.
I just put Boston down for a nap. I have an hour and a half to do something, but the problem is I find an excuse not to do any. I'm so mentally tied up with him that I can't relax long enough to let myself go and recharge. I feel stuck. I'm so in love and yet feel so empty. Of course I will continue to give everything I have to my child, but how to find the balance...I don't know. I'm over eager now for my mother-in-law to be here. Having a female voice and shoulder to lean on will be a huge relief in just a few days. Until then, hot baths and gazing into my son's eyes will surely be all I need.

Full Term

The days are going by much slower now, but the sereneness is quite nice. Since finishing my last day of work last Friday, I have made a big shift. Almost immediately, I went into meditation mode. But I think that's a natural thing for a woman heading for labor. I sort of feel like a mama bear seaching for her cave to give birth in, or like a deer seeking out just the right forest grove to lie down and have her baby.
I'm beginning to feel the tide changing, with menstrual-like cramps and "loose bowels." My appetite is mainly small and my stomach almost feels like a nervous stomach, except that I'm not nervous. I figure this is my body beginning to purge itself before the main act. The doctors say Boston is really low, head down. My cervix is 1cm dilated and 50% effaced for 2 weeks now. I'm officially full term and ready for the party to begin. And yet, I'm trying to stay focused on Boston's timing.
I'm also working on keeping perspective by not getting trapped into a 3 week mental time frame,....Patience for obvious reasons,....And presence, like being present in the moment and sucking up all the joy of the last and final stage of my pregnancy. I'm so appreciative that I can take this time away from work and focus on the most important person in my life, Boston and also my very own family unit. This is a most special time for Jason and I and I think we are doing a great job at supporting eachother and celebrating the coming of our boy. I think we are both glowing!

Birthing Class

Yesterday's Lamaze/Birthing class went really well. Jason and I learned alot, although some of the info I've been absorbing through books read over the course of my pregnancy. Jason said he didn't realize there was so much involved. He thought you just started pushing as soon as you got to the hospital. I can see why a guy would think this, with how movies portray birthing scenes and all.
My biggest thing is that I'm still on the fence about getting that epidural. Maybe not in all cases, but having an epidural can set off a cascade of events that ultimately lead to having a C-section. But the main thing that conerns me is being confined to bed. Narrow hips run in my family and I want every opportunity to open them up which means needing to move around and try different birthing positions. I'm really glad I took this class because I feel informed which will lead me to make decisions based on personal conviction, not just the general consensus.

Updates at 30 weeks

It's been forever and a day since I last blogged, and now I'm nearly 31 weeks along. I've been blessed with a good pregnancy. To date, I still have no swelling and no stretch marks. I really thought I'd turn into a marshmellow, but somehow I'm staying stitched together at the seams.
The summer heat has suppressed my appetite some, but what's worse is that my stomach has barely any room for a regular sized meal. I don't try to eat 6 small meals a day, I HAVE to or else I get severely uncomfortable. The third trimester has definitely brought on the discomforts again. I'm winded, burping, hiccupping, waddling, squatting, and tossing and turning days and nights.
Yesterday I woke up after a sleepless night and found myself constipated and crying in the bathroom. With everything else a pregnant woman has to deal with, why constipation!?!? I felt like calling for the stirrups right there on the toilet! Enough said,...Now I have a hemorrhoid the size of a cherry.
Boston moves a ton. Yesterday I was actually worried that he was moving too much and that something might be wrong, like he's trying to unwind the cord from around his neck. Absurd that my mind should go there, but the worries just never end when you're about to become a mom for the first time. It's funny to me how many times a day he gets hiccups. He had them in bed last night too! That makes 3-4 spells a day for the past 2 days!
I'm thinking alot about my upcoming labor experience and have gone back and forth several times. Most women put alot of thought into it, drafting birth plans and all. But I come from the medical community and know that things never go the way you plan them to. What I've seen and learned as a nurse is that those patients who do best are those that remain relaxed and open. For the general public that takes a lot of faith! But fortunately, I have close connections to this hospital and group of doctors who will be delivering my baby and there is definitely a strong trust factor there, something most women don't have. So even though I still plan to educate myself about what to expect on D-day, my goal will be to stay relaxed and keep an open mind. Beyond that, there is no manner of control that can improve the odds of delivering a healthy baby, only good decisions and I trust myself, doctors and nurses to work well together on that.

My lovely belly hump

I'm discovering that shower stalls, shaving legs and pregnant bellies aren't quite compatable anymore. It seems anymore that when I pull my legs up to slip on pants or shave my prickly legs, Boston is winning his space and I am having to compromise. It's so fun though! The discomforts still put a grin on my face!

I wonder lots more about what positions he is in when I feel a jab or a hard surface pressing against my protruding belly button. Lately, it seems he is settling into a pushing-downward-on-mama's-cervix position. I feel alot of kicks and shoves down there and they are growing in strength and frequency. Last night, he actually made me yelp it was so forceful! This morning, we were driving around doing errunds and Ludacris was rapping on the radio station. I think Boston dicovered his booty moves!

All in all, pregnancy is feeling just fine and I haven't had troubles adjusting to the slower pace I now jaunt along at. I do feel good energy and fortunately get the rest I need on my days off from work. I'm surprised I haven't had a load of food cravings. My appetite has increased steadily, but I'm still eating pretty balanced between health food and occasional indulgences. I have, however noticed the bloating, gas and indigestion get a tad bit worse. Seems the whole space issue affects about everything with the baby packing on pounds now instead of little ounces. Thankfully, that hasn't translated into stretch marks on my skin yet. I haven't asked my mom or sisters yet if it runs in our genes, but so far I've been lucky. They say cocoa butter isn't proved to work, but I use it religiously anyway.

Tomorrow is my 24 week checkup. Looking forward to it.

Still Glowing

I had a dream last night that I had our baby but he was 3 or 4 months old. Brought him home for the first time and I slept the first 18hrs straight. I woke up to him crying and realized I hadn't changed his first diaper or done the first breast feeding with him yet! My poor son! So I got on track with that, but then it seemed for the first few days something was still wrong. He only ate and made a diaper once a day. I thought to myself, 'This baby is too perfect, and he's always smiling and laughing! What am I missing?' I'm still glowing after seeing my son on ultrasound just 2 days ago. It's amazing how this love springs up from seemingly, out of nowhere! And then I immediately think, 'THis is exactly why God made us apart of the creating process, so we would experience at least a fraction of the same love he feels toward us.' I know this baby has done anything, much less show up in my arms yet to earn my love. I just love him more than anything or anybody I've ever felt love for. It's so pure and undefinable, and that's what sets it apart. HOw much further set apart is this cosmic love God has for us, and yet he instills it in us. It's no wonder we wrestle with it, it's beyond reason. Becoming a parent sure changes your life at a heart level, maybe even deeper. I am so blessed to be this baby's mama. He's already changed my world.

Ready-Set-GO!!!

It's like Christmas morning. I woke up at 5:30am, barely conscious of my own thoughts expect for this one: "Is it today? Is it the morning of our ultrasound? Is it time to have coffee, shower and leave for the doctor's office?" I have a one track mind today, and that is of getting a glimpse into my baby's world! He's been moving alot and I can feel him. It will be so exciting to match those flutters and nudges with live action shots at the doctor's office this morning!

I've been able to slow myself down lately. With now being part time at work and with the unveiling of spring, I feel as though I have time and inspiration to mentally, emotionally and spiritually prepare for the arrival of this new life. More on that later. For now, time to hop into the shower and get going to the doctor's office for that utlrasound!! I told you I have a one track mind!

Updates

I can't believe how much space this baby is taking up inside of me! I also can't believe I'm still so tired and achey. I guess it's my insides squishing together that makes me feel cramped. My legs are starting to ache, around my ankles. I can tell they feel tighter, although I'm not seeing swelling yet. I get headaches and feel nauseated and/or have indigestion at night. My moods are less stable than they have been, but I'm trying hard to keep them in check.

I've established that I am feeling baby movements for the past week or so! For me, it feels like a light muscle twitch, kind of like when you get that pesky, embarrassing twitch in your eyelid. Except of course, this is anything but pesky or embarrasing. It's wonderful! I talk to him now, asking him what he wants to eat or how things are going down there. Jason had that epiphony the other day. He looked at my round, obvious pregnant tummy and said, "Wow, that's my son in there!" And he had a glow to him when he said it. That made me really happy! He's touching my belly more and speaking to him. Pregnancy is so fun!

Today, I'm going to start painting the baby's room 'Pale Sunshine.' It's gonna look great with all the black and espresso furniture we have for him. It's definitely starting to pull together now, with a crib, changing table and dresser in there.

This Thursday is the official 20-week ultrasound, where we finally settle on gender (even though we got a sneek peek at 12-weeks and are 99% sure it's a boy) and get all his major organs checked out. This time, we'll be taking the video camera with to get all his squirming, bouncing and hopefully thumb-sucking caught on camera for all to see!

And one more momentous thing that happened this month was designating godparents for Boston. Becky and Greg Johnson, who couldn't be more perfect for the task, are like family to us and we want Boston to have that same sense. Jason and I love our families, but unfortunately they live so far away. So in their absence, he's sure to have all the love and support he needs. However, we still anticipate that his grandparents will be seeing plenty of him...How can they resist?!

Slowing Down

It just isn't easy to do! Any nurse would know this. In my profession, we're used to thinking fast on our feet and scurrying around like a squirrel to get things done. Nurses hussle! So for one, slowing down at work takes alot of conscious effort. I have to remind myself to stay paced, especially when the day is looking long, like 12hours long. Pregnancy is full of surprises. I knew there would be physical demands, but I never knew just how hard it would be to make this baby! I get tired just standing upright! I get tired sitting here typing. And if I'm not thinking about laying down, I'm thinking about food. I feel like a human generator, making and kicking out loads of energy on a continuous basis. I checked in with with cardiologist per my OB's request just to be sure my heart was handling the demands okay. Yeah, it seems so. I'll be walking around with a Holter monitor in a week to take pictures of my heart ryhthm and getting an ultrasound of my heart, too. But doing so is nothing to worry about, just a way of completing the workup. The cardiologist was really nice and I left the office feeling reassured that everything was fine. Meanwhile, I'm looking forward to cutting back my hours at work the end of this month so I can last longer there and keep comfortable while doing it.

It seems our little baby has a cousin on the way too! My sister Laura just got her ultrasound today and he looks like a little gummy bear. Awesome! I just I were geographically closer to her so we could go through our pregnancies together.

What to do with "the girls"....

Go up a size! Today was so exciting. I went from a 34A to a 36B overnight! I love pregnancy! Then, I bought cocoa butter lotion so that I wouldn't get stretch marks in places I don't want to grow. Except the belly, of course :) Jason is finally noticing my belly and gave it a little rub today. It's becoming real for him and that makes me happy.

We made our decision about me going part time. Since my work can't give me 8 hr. shifts with part time hours, I decided to go per diem. This is great because per diem gives me alot more flexibility by letting me choose how much, how little, and when I want to work, so that as the pregnancy gets further along, I can ease out rather than just quit when it gets too hard. Also, it takes the pressure off of having to "close" at night which is unpredictable and stressful. It cuts into dinner time and makes my sleeping schedule worse. Being pregnant, I am learning that eating and sleeping good are key to keeping comfortable all day long. Although being per diem drops my insurance benefits, Jason's insurance will pick me up. Besides, I found out my insurance wasn't that great afterall. You'd think being pregnant was some sort of disease the way some insurance companies handle it!

Cutting back my hours will be a financial adjustment, but fortunately we were already planning on it and have just about everything paid off. This will be good practice for living on one income and budgeting well. I get it now, why alot of moms don't have the most expensive clothes and trendy haircuts. I'm already feeling like a mom, and the sacrifice is WELL worth it!

Part-time or not? Help!

I'm getting closer to switching to part-time, but wrestling with feelings of guilt. I feel pressure to be the kind of girl who works full-time and practically goes into labor at work, but I'm just not that person. I always knew that I wanted my career to take the back burner soon into my pregnancy, but now that it's here, I feel so guilty about doing that!

Nursing is all about serving and I've always felt that the people that are drawn to this field have such a complex about pleasing people. I am one of those, and I feel so compelled to please my husband, my coworkers and my friends with this choice to stay full-time or not.

Right now, I work 2-10hr shift and 1-12hr shift. This has to stop. Marathon days leave me feeling winded and sick. There is the option of shortening those days and doing 4-8hr shifts. And yet, I'm not comfortable with that option either because it may be spreading myself thinner. What I really want is to work 3-8hr shifts, but I feel like I'm letting everyone down.

I've talked about it with Jason, and he is agreeable to whatever I feel I need to do. But I'm not sure what I need, just what seems ideal to me. Just because I'm pregnant, does that mean I should have the most ideal of situations when I decide I'm ready? How hard do I need to push myself to prove that this is what I need?

Lazy Sunday

Sipping on hot chocolate and feel virtually trapped in a snow globe. Outside it is beautiful, but I miss the warm sunshine and flip flops and warm air. Jason is lazily draped on the couch watching old episodes of Seinfeld, the kitty is curled up on her carpeted cat tower, and Brutus, our dog is moaning in his cage. He got vaccinations this week and is all out of sorts. All in all, it's a lazy Sunday but we're happy to be together.

For those of you whom I haven't told, the name we picked for our little boy is Boston. Boston is about the size of a lemon this coming week and is entering the second trimester with his mama. We are both excited! He's learning new things like sucking, swallowing and moving about like an acrobat. Life is truely a miracle!

Ever since his last ultrasound at 12 weeks, I've felt much closer to him, feeling more connected. Emotionally, it gets better and better being pregnant. However, maritally, the stress has gone up a notch. So much talk and focus on the budget and all sorts of preparations has us sparring a bit. I have to say, it's mostly me that gets on edge very quickly these days. My buffer zone is thinner than ever. It's like the warm fuzzies I've always had for Jason get channeled to the baby now. I've heard people say that the husband takes the back burner when the baby comes. But already, I feel my nurturing and compassionate side being reserved for someone else.

While this may be "normal," I'm working at still showing Jason my softer side despite how I feel. I think it's important that he feels my love, support and respect no matter what challenges we face. I especially want our children to see this between their parents.

12 week ultrasound

125 pounds and 12 weeks and 2 days. Today was our second ultrasound and I couldn't have been happier!! The little baby was bouncing around like popcorn or something! We got to see the mouth moving and arms and legs squirming. I had just eaten an apple so maybe it was jumping for food, like a puppy! The coolest surprise was that the ultrasound tech was able to make her prediction on the gender and said she was 99% sure it's a boy!! Oh my gosh!! There's like this little dash and if it points up it's a boy and down for a girl. It was obviously up for the world to see! It was the giddiest moment for me in a long time. Everytime it jumped, I laughed and then the ultrasound would get blurry. That made me laugh even harder because I knew I had to relax but couldn't! Next time we'll take the video camera and capture all the kicks and bounces live.

Putting Words To It

So this is me, 12 weeks today. Gosh, I can't believe how much more it's sticking out than last week! Could've been those buffalo bleu potato chips I had last night, too. But at least I did 30 minutes of cardio this morning!! I'm so proud of myself for getting back to the gym. Not that I have anything to do with the disappearance of morning sickness, but I am pushing myself harder than I've had to prepregnancy.

I was journaling some emotions and deep thoughts this morning which was good for me. Along with exercise, I have slacked on my journaling lately and I could tell because journaling has always been a way of staying in tune with myself. I was surprised at the release I got from it this morning. Unlike any emotionally swing I've experienced in the past, pregnancy takes on it's own life with the spectrum and meaning behind those feelings experienced. Fear and worry, temporary panic, and joy mixed with uncertainty...These are some of the words that describe a few given days that I've had recently. I would say fear and worry enter when I go weeks without a doctor's appointment and my imagination gets the best of me. Sometimes I think if I only had that basketball belly by now, I'd have reassurance that I'm actually pregnant. Let's face it, the first trimester is alot of waiting and very few tangibles. Temporary panic is when storm clouds shroud my thinking and I imagine the worst is going to happen, like I'll never get to meet my unborn baby, that the pregnancy will spontaneously abort and all my dreams burst. I hate those days! And then joy mixed with uncertainty is sort of those bitter sweet moments when I'm so elated over my baby growing inside of me, and yet I can't hold her yet and begin the bonding experience. Some days I get so weepey and long to be my baby's mama. That is bitter sweet.

These are the feelings I hadn't yet put into words and sort of felt lonely about not doing so. I still wonder who could understand. But that's crazy because millions of new moms are going through the same thing that I am right now.

Looking Ahead

Alright! Had my bowl of Kashi cereal and went to the gym for a longer workout than I expected. It has been a while and it felt SOOooooooo good to move! I'm glad I'm feeling better and able to get back to some of my healthier habits. Exercise and nutrition has always been a part of my life and without it, I feel miserable. So I'm glad I gave myself a kick in the butt this week and reengaged with a version of my pre-pregnant self, the healthy side. Of course I will still allow for the changes and urges pregnancy brings, but balanced with the regular activity and nutrition that keeps me feeling like me.

My belly is growing and there's a for sure a bump that hasn't changed in a few days despite the comings and goings of gas and you know what. Yay! I'm 11 weeks and 1 day today and can't believe my next doctor appointment is in a week. Jason gets to come with and we get another ultrasound to check out baby's spine and brain. They're only doing this because of the mood stabilizer I was on for a few months preceding and during the first few weeks of pregnancy. I'm thankful I was able to wean off that medication. I didn't want any reason to think I was putting the baby in danger. Hopefully nothing I've done has put the baby at risk.

Jason and I are working diligently on our budget and widdling down expenses before the baby arrives. We received some really good counsel on this from a couple at church who worked the numbers for us. If we stick to it, we can have our cars paid off and all debt except for my school loan. This is an exciting prospect! We also think we'll stay put in the apartment for another year or two in order to keep living expenses at a low and meanwhile save for a considerable down payment on a house. I'm glad we're planning ahead to make our future as low stress as possible.

I'm planning on taking a four month maternity leave then returning to work "prn." Prn means "as needed" to where I can make my own schedule and work as little or as much as I want, work schedule permitting. I won't receive benefits, but we hope to have the whole family on Jason's health insurance by then.

Food Cravings and the Blues

I think about food all the time now. It's becoming an obsession, like an alien has taken over my brain. I know my uterus is growing and is about the size of a grapefruit now, but I still wonder if I'm getting a gut or if it's pregnancy bulge. Sure, I'm eating more, but I've only gained about 3 pounds so far. Let's just say it's all the baby and I haven't grown an inch of fat!

This picture marks 10 weeks and 4 days. I think the last picture was taken at 6-ish weeks along. Yeah, I can see a small change. I feel it too, almost like an actual grapefruit is sitting on my bladder and intestinesl. On average, I'm getting up 3 times in the middle of the night. Gosh, it really sucks when you're enjoying good sleep and you have to get up for fouth time like last night! But I'm still very happy for every prego symptom :)

I'm feeling really down these days. I know it's because I've lost the wind in my sails. The exercise I used to get on a regular basis isn't apart of my life right now. When the nausea and fatigue hit like a ton of bricks, I literally stayed on the couch all day. But now that it's beginning to lift, I know something is missing- my energy. I love my energy! I've always been active and fit and it's a HUGE part of my life. I'm the one that's usually getting other people motivated. Now I need someone to motivate me.

The other side of it is feeling like I have some kind of condition that other people don't want to be around. It's crazy but subconsciously, I think that being pregnant makes me a downer, a non-fun person that my non-pregnant friends have nothing in common with anymore. In all honesty, I hardly want to be around myself sometimes because I feel like such a slug. This creates a vicious cycle of negative self talk and all I really want are other pregnant women to come around me and say they know just how I feel and give me a big hug! Because, really!...who else really understands but other females undergoing the same mysterious changes?!

If I could put an add in the paper today, it would say: "First time pregger seeking friend who likes to eat and would go on long walks and give pep talks to whenever necessary."

Sneek Peek

It's been three days and I haven't had morning sickness. Yesterday I had a surge of energy and ironed 13 shirts and went for a mile walk! I hope I'm turning a corner and lucky if I am!
I'm also beginning to eat a little healthier since the nausea isn't bothering me. The picture I posted here is of yesterday's lunch: A multigrain flatbread with dijon mustard, pear slices, turkey strips and cheese topped with spinach leaves. This is the healthiest I've eaten since being pregnant!
Today I woke up feeling a little sad and lonely. Because of my jury duty yesterday, which got cancelled, I've had a 5 day stretch off from work. This is nice but it leaves lots of time to think, worry and feel things that aren't always helpful. So I got the idea of shopping for a home fetal monitor so that I could hear baby and be comforted. Then I asked my nurse practioner Julie what she thought and she said, "Just stop by the office, I'll check it for you without the charge." This got me off the couch in a hurry! So I took a quick bath and hurried in. Although there was a 50/50 chance of hearing it on doppler at only 10 weeks, we did! It was loud and fast, faster than the first ultrasound- 168 beats per minute! I hope this means what I think it does....a little girl?!?! No matter, it's there and thudding away with such vitality. It certainly brightened up my day!
The babycenter website gives me weekly updates of my baby and the pregnancy. It said that my uterus is now the size of a grapefruit and the baby is the size of a prune. This makes me so happy! I just can't wait to start showing. In a way, looking pregnant makes me think I'll feel more pregnant and therefore feel more of the baby. Last night I had a long and vivid dream about the baby. I have these recurring dreams that the baby is born and I'm a new mama and I experience such real and weird emotions in those dreams. I want so badly to hold my baby already and feel that bond. Even though she's plugged into me right now and couldn't survive without me, I still can't feel her and wish I could. But I'm happy, happy as can be to have this miracle already begun :)

Me, my blog and an orange.

Wow, I'm actually sitting down to type a blog. For the past 2 weeks, I've been working on making a semi-permanent body-print on the couch, hugging it real still so as not to upset my queeziness. It worked, so far as not ever having to hurl. But days on days of this makes being upright, that is in vertical form, a very upsetting task. And so that is why things like writing and reading just haven't worked out well for me these past few weeks. But after 6 hours on the couch this morning and a nice hot shower, I feel I may have turned a corner, at least for now.

I am 9 weeks and 4 days along today. I'm feeling okay, besides the nausea and tiredness. What else can I say? The very sore boobies and uterine growing pains are nothing in comparison with that. Yesterday, I had a voracious appetite and food was my best friend. Sadly, that doesn't happen often in the first trimester. Most of the time I'm arguing with my stomach, wondering why it's so finicky and unsettled. And then once I eat something that finally sounds good, it comes back in the form of heartburn.

Perhaps this is why I haven't blogged in a while. It's more like bitching and I'm not unhappy, just uncomfortable. What else can I say for now? What are other women in their first trimester thinking and feeling, I wonder? I'm pretty sure this is all really normal.

Belly Bliss Yoga

Today, I got off my toosh and moved around in a yoga class for pregnant women. It was great!! There were several elements that lit me up. First, movement felt sooooo good. Down dog, pigeon, warrior (the bane of my life), happy baby,....These are all poses I missed so badly in the 6 months I rolled up my yoga mat for a hiatus. Stretching back into them created such good space in my joints and in my outlook on the day.
Second, being with other pregnant women on different parts of their journey was uplifting of me. Of course, I was a little self conscious as I looked around and saw all these cute bellies sticking out. As we convened in our circle to get started, I was the "youngest" one in the crowd with no belly yet. The next furthest along was 9 weeks but I was a mere 7 and a half weeks. Of course, none of that mattered as we mellowed down into child's pose.
The class moved along at a nice, slow pace but still challenging enough as I settled into each pose again for what seemed to be a long while ago. It wasn't a cardio workout by no means, nor did I want it to be. Just an easing back into some good stretching and breathing techniques.
After class, I met a really nice girl having fraternal twins. She was so sweet and luckily, I think I made a friend. After all, for me, this is a chance to get to know other moms-to-be and hopefully an added source of support and community.
I'm really looking forward to more yoga class and making positive connections. Getting out of the house was extremely motivating, but of course, exhausting! I knew the baby would be sapping the remainder of my energy for the day, and it did! After a healthy snack and hot shower, I hit the couch for a nice long nap, and unfortunately some more waves of nausea :(

1st Ultrasound 6 weeks and 6 days

Here it is!! 6 weeks and 6 days along- MAN!!! It was a beautiful experience and hearing the heartbeat made me feel incredible! 133 beats per minute. I could even see the heart beating! As soon as the camera went inside, I could see the baby immediately. It was AMAZING! Jason was with me and seeing his reaction was priceless.

(Nah-zee-uh)

"That which precedes vomiting."

Luckily, not so. But each day I feel closer to it. Morning sickness about says it. Morning because your stomach is most likely to be empty and for me, that is the trigger. Most of the time, the thought of food is disgusting, but as soon as my tummy is full, I feel fine. Except that is when the indigestion kicks in. Your brain, neck, chest and stomach feel like one unit and when you are full, all parts feel full. Lesson? Don't each too much at a time!

Grape nuts are my friends today and for the last three days. Crunchy, not too creamy or sweet. Just nutty-filling goodness. Cream of wheat is off my list for now.

Breasts are feeling like pint-size milk jugs. For sure, they are filling up to do mother natures business!

My mouth is so finicky. Any flavor in my mouth makes me feel sick. Toothpaste, the last meal, a lozenge- it all tasts bitter.

Tired. What else is new. But I have a plan for that. Yoga class. Yes, I've already mentioned that, but I'm really amped up for it. I love yoga! It helped me through a real rough patch this year while trying to conceive. I'm so ready to get back to it!

Ultrasound tomorrow!! I feel confident and peaceful about it. But I prayed and prayed in advance to help get me to that state of heart and mind. I'm so ready for this!

Yoga

So as of yesterday, I got hit with the pregnancy nausea. I was on the couch all day expect for when I took a shower and took the dog out for a pottie break. I can't believe how much I slept!
I used to think that when I got pregnant, I'd been zipping away on the eliptical machine, staying toned and energized. HA! I can't believe I haven't been to the gym in 2 weeks! So I've decided to join a pregnancy yoga class. I also need the community of other pregnant women to relate to in addition to my regular circle of friends. I don't always want to feel like the weeney who can't drink or has to go to bed early or doesn't have the energy to keep up. It would be nice to have another circle of women who completely relate and also stay active with.
Here's hoping for a better day today. I will attempt the gym for a mere 30 minutes. Then I'll go to the salon for a haircut with my favorite stylist. And that will be the highlight of my day, folks.

This is Your Brain on.....

Ah! Cream of wheat. Gentle on the stomach, yet creamy, warm and nutrtious. I'm thankful for cream of wheat, while other things come across as intrusive, like smells. I just walked past the bathroom where a candle was lit and it about simultaneously set fire to my nostrils and stomach. YUK! It seems my sense of smell and taste are not in good communication with my brain lately. I get these angry hunger pangs set to mixed reactions. So many foods turn me off and yet I hunger. As I say this, I turn down the other half of my cream of wheat and settle for a few swigs of water. However, I swear there is a new craving center in my brain that pulses images of mouth watering meat into my brain. Right now, it's projecting a griddle of robust sausage links prepared by Martha Stewart. And in my future, I see a Chick-fil-A breast of fried chicken tucked into a soft bun. And while this is going on in my brain, I feel sick. Unlike last week, I'm beginning to feel under the weather with conflicting reactions to my five favorite friends, my senses.

Besides my confusing relationship with food right now, irritable, fatigued and bloated sums up the rest. That sounds about right.

3 more days until the first ultrasound!!

Oh, this picture depicts the ushering in of the New Year for all my PA Dutch roots back home- Pork and Krout.