Tuesday, February 9, 2010

Putting Words To It

So this is me, 12 weeks today. Gosh, I can't believe how much more it's sticking out than last week! Could've been those buffalo bleu potato chips I had last night, too. But at least I did 30 minutes of cardio this morning!! I'm so proud of myself for getting back to the gym. Not that I have anything to do with the disappearance of morning sickness, but I am pushing myself harder than I've had to prepregnancy.

I was journaling some emotions and deep thoughts this morning which was good for me. Along with exercise, I have slacked on my journaling lately and I could tell because journaling has always been a way of staying in tune with myself. I was surprised at the release I got from it this morning. Unlike any emotionally swing I've experienced in the past, pregnancy takes on it's own life with the spectrum and meaning behind those feelings experienced. Fear and worry, temporary panic, and joy mixed with uncertainty...These are some of the words that describe a few given days that I've had recently. I would say fear and worry enter when I go weeks without a doctor's appointment and my imagination gets the best of me. Sometimes I think if I only had that basketball belly by now, I'd have reassurance that I'm actually pregnant. Let's face it, the first trimester is alot of waiting and very few tangibles. Temporary panic is when storm clouds shroud my thinking and I imagine the worst is going to happen, like I'll never get to meet my unborn baby, that the pregnancy will spontaneously abort and all my dreams burst. I hate those days! And then joy mixed with uncertainty is sort of those bitter sweet moments when I'm so elated over my baby growing inside of me, and yet I can't hold her yet and begin the bonding experience. Some days I get so weepey and long to be my baby's mama. That is bitter sweet.

These are the feelings I hadn't yet put into words and sort of felt lonely about not doing so. I still wonder who could understand. But that's crazy because millions of new moms are going through the same thing that I am right now.


  1. Sue, I wish those feelings went away after the first trimester, but for me they were there the whole 40 weeks and 4 days that she was in my belly, and now I have a whole bunch of new ones that enter each day that I watch her grow--I think they are all part of being a mom. Im looking forward to hearing all about the ultrasound, Im sure it will be magical!

  2. Yes, and here I am at age 50, still concerned about my "babies. "To have a child is to have a part of your heart go walking around outside of your body forever." :) Or in this case, inside your tummy.

    But what would life be without this love? It is totally worth learning to manage the worry, or better, on our best days -- to totally give it, and them, to God. Those are blissful days.