Food Cravings and the Blues

I think about food all the time now. It's becoming an obsession, like an alien has taken over my brain. I know my uterus is growing and is about the size of a grapefruit now, but I still wonder if I'm getting a gut or if it's pregnancy bulge. Sure, I'm eating more, but I've only gained about 3 pounds so far. Let's just say it's all the baby and I haven't grown an inch of fat!

This picture marks 10 weeks and 4 days. I think the last picture was taken at 6-ish weeks along. Yeah, I can see a small change. I feel it too, almost like an actual grapefruit is sitting on my bladder and intestinesl. On average, I'm getting up 3 times in the middle of the night. Gosh, it really sucks when you're enjoying good sleep and you have to get up for fouth time like last night! But I'm still very happy for every prego symptom :)

I'm feeling really down these days. I know it's because I've lost the wind in my sails. The exercise I used to get on a regular basis isn't apart of my life right now. When the nausea and fatigue hit like a ton of bricks, I literally stayed on the couch all day. But now that it's beginning to lift, I know something is missing- my energy. I love my energy! I've always been active and fit and it's a HUGE part of my life. I'm the one that's usually getting other people motivated. Now I need someone to motivate me.

The other side of it is feeling like I have some kind of condition that other people don't want to be around. It's crazy but subconsciously, I think that being pregnant makes me a downer, a non-fun person that my non-pregnant friends have nothing in common with anymore. In all honesty, I hardly want to be around myself sometimes because I feel like such a slug. This creates a vicious cycle of negative self talk and all I really want are other pregnant women to come around me and say they know just how I feel and give me a big hug! Because, really!...who else really understands but other females undergoing the same mysterious changes?!

If I could put an add in the paper today, it would say: "First time pregger seeking friend who likes to eat and would go on long walks and give pep talks to whenever necessary."

Sneek Peek

It's been three days and I haven't had morning sickness. Yesterday I had a surge of energy and ironed 13 shirts and went for a mile walk! I hope I'm turning a corner and lucky if I am!
I'm also beginning to eat a little healthier since the nausea isn't bothering me. The picture I posted here is of yesterday's lunch: A multigrain flatbread with dijon mustard, pear slices, turkey strips and cheese topped with spinach leaves. This is the healthiest I've eaten since being pregnant!
Today I woke up feeling a little sad and lonely. Because of my jury duty yesterday, which got cancelled, I've had a 5 day stretch off from work. This is nice but it leaves lots of time to think, worry and feel things that aren't always helpful. So I got the idea of shopping for a home fetal monitor so that I could hear baby and be comforted. Then I asked my nurse practioner Julie what she thought and she said, "Just stop by the office, I'll check it for you without the charge." This got me off the couch in a hurry! So I took a quick bath and hurried in. Although there was a 50/50 chance of hearing it on doppler at only 10 weeks, we did! It was loud and fast, faster than the first ultrasound- 168 beats per minute! I hope this means what I think it does....a little girl?!?! No matter, it's there and thudding away with such vitality. It certainly brightened up my day!
The babycenter website gives me weekly updates of my baby and the pregnancy. It said that my uterus is now the size of a grapefruit and the baby is the size of a prune. This makes me so happy! I just can't wait to start showing. In a way, looking pregnant makes me think I'll feel more pregnant and therefore feel more of the baby. Last night I had a long and vivid dream about the baby. I have these recurring dreams that the baby is born and I'm a new mama and I experience such real and weird emotions in those dreams. I want so badly to hold my baby already and feel that bond. Even though she's plugged into me right now and couldn't survive without me, I still can't feel her and wish I could. But I'm happy, happy as can be to have this miracle already begun :)

Me, my blog and an orange.

Wow, I'm actually sitting down to type a blog. For the past 2 weeks, I've been working on making a semi-permanent body-print on the couch, hugging it real still so as not to upset my queeziness. It worked, so far as not ever having to hurl. But days on days of this makes being upright, that is in vertical form, a very upsetting task. And so that is why things like writing and reading just haven't worked out well for me these past few weeks. But after 6 hours on the couch this morning and a nice hot shower, I feel I may have turned a corner, at least for now.

I am 9 weeks and 4 days along today. I'm feeling okay, besides the nausea and tiredness. What else can I say? The very sore boobies and uterine growing pains are nothing in comparison with that. Yesterday, I had a voracious appetite and food was my best friend. Sadly, that doesn't happen often in the first trimester. Most of the time I'm arguing with my stomach, wondering why it's so finicky and unsettled. And then once I eat something that finally sounds good, it comes back in the form of heartburn.

Perhaps this is why I haven't blogged in a while. It's more like bitching and I'm not unhappy, just uncomfortable. What else can I say for now? What are other women in their first trimester thinking and feeling, I wonder? I'm pretty sure this is all really normal.

Belly Bliss Yoga

Today, I got off my toosh and moved around in a yoga class for pregnant women. It was great!! There were several elements that lit me up. First, movement felt sooooo good. Down dog, pigeon, warrior (the bane of my life), happy baby,....These are all poses I missed so badly in the 6 months I rolled up my yoga mat for a hiatus. Stretching back into them created such good space in my joints and in my outlook on the day.
Second, being with other pregnant women on different parts of their journey was uplifting of me. Of course, I was a little self conscious as I looked around and saw all these cute bellies sticking out. As we convened in our circle to get started, I was the "youngest" one in the crowd with no belly yet. The next furthest along was 9 weeks but I was a mere 7 and a half weeks. Of course, none of that mattered as we mellowed down into child's pose.
The class moved along at a nice, slow pace but still challenging enough as I settled into each pose again for what seemed to be a long while ago. It wasn't a cardio workout by no means, nor did I want it to be. Just an easing back into some good stretching and breathing techniques.
After class, I met a really nice girl having fraternal twins. She was so sweet and luckily, I think I made a friend. After all, for me, this is a chance to get to know other moms-to-be and hopefully an added source of support and community.
I'm really looking forward to more yoga class and making positive connections. Getting out of the house was extremely motivating, but of course, exhausting! I knew the baby would be sapping the remainder of my energy for the day, and it did! After a healthy snack and hot shower, I hit the couch for a nice long nap, and unfortunately some more waves of nausea :(

1st Ultrasound 6 weeks and 6 days

Here it is!! 6 weeks and 6 days along- MAN!!! It was a beautiful experience and hearing the heartbeat made me feel incredible! 133 beats per minute. I could even see the heart beating! As soon as the camera went inside, I could see the baby immediately. It was AMAZING! Jason was with me and seeing his reaction was priceless.

(Nah-zee-uh)

"That which precedes vomiting."

Luckily, not so. But each day I feel closer to it. Morning sickness about says it. Morning because your stomach is most likely to be empty and for me, that is the trigger. Most of the time, the thought of food is disgusting, but as soon as my tummy is full, I feel fine. Except that is when the indigestion kicks in. Your brain, neck, chest and stomach feel like one unit and when you are full, all parts feel full. Lesson? Don't each too much at a time!

Grape nuts are my friends today and for the last three days. Crunchy, not too creamy or sweet. Just nutty-filling goodness. Cream of wheat is off my list for now.

Breasts are feeling like pint-size milk jugs. For sure, they are filling up to do mother natures business!

My mouth is so finicky. Any flavor in my mouth makes me feel sick. Toothpaste, the last meal, a lozenge- it all tasts bitter.

Tired. What else is new. But I have a plan for that. Yoga class. Yes, I've already mentioned that, but I'm really amped up for it. I love yoga! It helped me through a real rough patch this year while trying to conceive. I'm so ready to get back to it!

Ultrasound tomorrow!! I feel confident and peaceful about it. But I prayed and prayed in advance to help get me to that state of heart and mind. I'm so ready for this!

Yoga

So as of yesterday, I got hit with the pregnancy nausea. I was on the couch all day expect for when I took a shower and took the dog out for a pottie break. I can't believe how much I slept!
I used to think that when I got pregnant, I'd been zipping away on the eliptical machine, staying toned and energized. HA! I can't believe I haven't been to the gym in 2 weeks! So I've decided to join a pregnancy yoga class. I also need the community of other pregnant women to relate to in addition to my regular circle of friends. I don't always want to feel like the weeney who can't drink or has to go to bed early or doesn't have the energy to keep up. It would be nice to have another circle of women who completely relate and also stay active with.
Here's hoping for a better day today. I will attempt the gym for a mere 30 minutes. Then I'll go to the salon for a haircut with my favorite stylist. And that will be the highlight of my day, folks.

This is Your Brain on.....

Ah! Cream of wheat. Gentle on the stomach, yet creamy, warm and nutrtious. I'm thankful for cream of wheat, while other things come across as intrusive, like smells. I just walked past the bathroom where a candle was lit and it about simultaneously set fire to my nostrils and stomach. YUK! It seems my sense of smell and taste are not in good communication with my brain lately. I get these angry hunger pangs set to mixed reactions. So many foods turn me off and yet I hunger. As I say this, I turn down the other half of my cream of wheat and settle for a few swigs of water. However, I swear there is a new craving center in my brain that pulses images of mouth watering meat into my brain. Right now, it's projecting a griddle of robust sausage links prepared by Martha Stewart. And in my future, I see a Chick-fil-A breast of fried chicken tucked into a soft bun. And while this is going on in my brain, I feel sick. Unlike last week, I'm beginning to feel under the weather with conflicting reactions to my five favorite friends, my senses.

Besides my confusing relationship with food right now, irritable, fatigued and bloated sums up the rest. That sounds about right.

3 more days until the first ultrasound!!

Oh, this picture depicts the ushering in of the New Year for all my PA Dutch roots back home- Pork and Krout.