Lazy Sunday

Sipping on hot chocolate and feel virtually trapped in a snow globe. Outside it is beautiful, but I miss the warm sunshine and flip flops and warm air. Jason is lazily draped on the couch watching old episodes of Seinfeld, the kitty is curled up on her carpeted cat tower, and Brutus, our dog is moaning in his cage. He got vaccinations this week and is all out of sorts. All in all, it's a lazy Sunday but we're happy to be together.

For those of you whom I haven't told, the name we picked for our little boy is Boston. Boston is about the size of a lemon this coming week and is entering the second trimester with his mama. We are both excited! He's learning new things like sucking, swallowing and moving about like an acrobat. Life is truely a miracle!

Ever since his last ultrasound at 12 weeks, I've felt much closer to him, feeling more connected. Emotionally, it gets better and better being pregnant. However, maritally, the stress has gone up a notch. So much talk and focus on the budget and all sorts of preparations has us sparring a bit. I have to say, it's mostly me that gets on edge very quickly these days. My buffer zone is thinner than ever. It's like the warm fuzzies I've always had for Jason get channeled to the baby now. I've heard people say that the husband takes the back burner when the baby comes. But already, I feel my nurturing and compassionate side being reserved for someone else.

While this may be "normal," I'm working at still showing Jason my softer side despite how I feel. I think it's important that he feels my love, support and respect no matter what challenges we face. I especially want our children to see this between their parents.

12 week ultrasound

125 pounds and 12 weeks and 2 days. Today was our second ultrasound and I couldn't have been happier!! The little baby was bouncing around like popcorn or something! We got to see the mouth moving and arms and legs squirming. I had just eaten an apple so maybe it was jumping for food, like a puppy! The coolest surprise was that the ultrasound tech was able to make her prediction on the gender and said she was 99% sure it's a boy!! Oh my gosh!! There's like this little dash and if it points up it's a boy and down for a girl. It was obviously up for the world to see! It was the giddiest moment for me in a long time. Everytime it jumped, I laughed and then the ultrasound would get blurry. That made me laugh even harder because I knew I had to relax but couldn't! Next time we'll take the video camera and capture all the kicks and bounces live.

Putting Words To It

So this is me, 12 weeks today. Gosh, I can't believe how much more it's sticking out than last week! Could've been those buffalo bleu potato chips I had last night, too. But at least I did 30 minutes of cardio this morning!! I'm so proud of myself for getting back to the gym. Not that I have anything to do with the disappearance of morning sickness, but I am pushing myself harder than I've had to prepregnancy.

I was journaling some emotions and deep thoughts this morning which was good for me. Along with exercise, I have slacked on my journaling lately and I could tell because journaling has always been a way of staying in tune with myself. I was surprised at the release I got from it this morning. Unlike any emotionally swing I've experienced in the past, pregnancy takes on it's own life with the spectrum and meaning behind those feelings experienced. Fear and worry, temporary panic, and joy mixed with uncertainty...These are some of the words that describe a few given days that I've had recently. I would say fear and worry enter when I go weeks without a doctor's appointment and my imagination gets the best of me. Sometimes I think if I only had that basketball belly by now, I'd have reassurance that I'm actually pregnant. Let's face it, the first trimester is alot of waiting and very few tangibles. Temporary panic is when storm clouds shroud my thinking and I imagine the worst is going to happen, like I'll never get to meet my unborn baby, that the pregnancy will spontaneously abort and all my dreams burst. I hate those days! And then joy mixed with uncertainty is sort of those bitter sweet moments when I'm so elated over my baby growing inside of me, and yet I can't hold her yet and begin the bonding experience. Some days I get so weepey and long to be my baby's mama. That is bitter sweet.

These are the feelings I hadn't yet put into words and sort of felt lonely about not doing so. I still wonder who could understand. But that's crazy because millions of new moms are going through the same thing that I am right now.

Looking Ahead

Alright! Had my bowl of Kashi cereal and went to the gym for a longer workout than I expected. It has been a while and it felt SOOooooooo good to move! I'm glad I'm feeling better and able to get back to some of my healthier habits. Exercise and nutrition has always been a part of my life and without it, I feel miserable. So I'm glad I gave myself a kick in the butt this week and reengaged with a version of my pre-pregnant self, the healthy side. Of course I will still allow for the changes and urges pregnancy brings, but balanced with the regular activity and nutrition that keeps me feeling like me.

My belly is growing and there's a for sure a bump that hasn't changed in a few days despite the comings and goings of gas and you know what. Yay! I'm 11 weeks and 1 day today and can't believe my next doctor appointment is in a week. Jason gets to come with and we get another ultrasound to check out baby's spine and brain. They're only doing this because of the mood stabilizer I was on for a few months preceding and during the first few weeks of pregnancy. I'm thankful I was able to wean off that medication. I didn't want any reason to think I was putting the baby in danger. Hopefully nothing I've done has put the baby at risk.

Jason and I are working diligently on our budget and widdling down expenses before the baby arrives. We received some really good counsel on this from a couple at church who worked the numbers for us. If we stick to it, we can have our cars paid off and all debt except for my school loan. This is an exciting prospect! We also think we'll stay put in the apartment for another year or two in order to keep living expenses at a low and meanwhile save for a considerable down payment on a house. I'm glad we're planning ahead to make our future as low stress as possible.

I'm planning on taking a four month maternity leave then returning to work "prn." Prn means "as needed" to where I can make my own schedule and work as little or as much as I want, work schedule permitting. I won't receive benefits, but we hope to have the whole family on Jason's health insurance by then.