Monday, August 16, 2010
It is as exhilarating and exhausting as everyone says it is. In trying to find time for myself, the best I can do is pray, take deep breaths and as many warm baths as it takes to soothe my aching muscles.
Motherhood is wonderful. I'm so in love and feel more selfless than ever. At the same time though, I'm drained and find it hard to know where to turn. Jason is so helpful here at home during his time off, but when it comes to emotional support he eventually feels inept at helping me. This morning, he is going out to take care of some music stuff. Unfortunately that is when I started to vent. It's hard for me to see him up and leave for several hours while I'm confined to a feeding, changing, sleeping schedule for Boston. And although I could get out on my own with Boston, I'm still to nervous to do that. Fears that I will expose him to too much or that I will not be able to handle the car seat on my own paralyze me.
I just put Boston down for a nap. I have an hour and a half to do something, but the problem is I find an excuse not to do any. I'm so mentally tied up with him that I can't relax long enough to let myself go and recharge. I feel stuck. I'm so in love and yet feel so empty. Of course I will continue to give everything I have to my child, but how to find the balance...I don't know. I'm over eager now for my mother-in-law to be here. Having a female voice and shoulder to lean on will be a huge relief in just a few days. Until then, hot baths and gazing into my son's eyes will surely be all I need.
Wednesday, August 4, 2010
The days are going by much slower now, but the sereneness is quite nice. Since finishing my last day of work last Friday, I have made a big shift. Almost immediately, I went into meditation mode. But I think that's a natural thing for a woman heading for labor. I sort of feel like a mama bear seaching for her cave to give birth in, or like a deer seeking out just the right forest grove to lie down and have her baby.
I'm beginning to feel the tide changing, with menstrual-like cramps and "loose bowels." My appetite is mainly small and my stomach almost feels like a nervous stomach, except that I'm not nervous. I figure this is my body beginning to purge itself before the main act. The doctors say Boston is really low, head down. My cervix is 1cm dilated and 50% effaced for 2 weeks now. I'm officially full term and ready for the party to begin. And yet, I'm trying to stay focused on Boston's timing.
I'm also working on keeping perspective by not getting trapped into a 3 week mental time frame,....Patience for obvious reasons,....And presence, like being present in the moment and sucking up all the joy of the last and final stage of my pregnancy. I'm so appreciative that I can take this time away from work and focus on the most important person in my life, Boston and also my very own family unit. This is a most special time for Jason and I and I think we are doing a great job at supporting eachother and celebrating the coming of our boy. I think we are both glowing!