It is as exhilarating and exhausting as everyone says it is. In trying to find time for myself, the best I can do is pray, take deep breaths and as many warm baths as it takes to soothe my aching muscles.
Motherhood is wonderful. I'm so in love and feel more selfless than ever. At the same time though, I'm drained and find it hard to know where to turn. Jason is so helpful here at home during his time off, but when it comes to emotional support he eventually feels inept at helping me. This morning, he is going out to take care of some music stuff. Unfortunately that is when I started to vent. It's hard for me to see him up and leave for several hours while I'm confined to a feeding, changing, sleeping schedule for Boston. And although I could get out on my own with Boston, I'm still to nervous to do that. Fears that I will expose him to too much or that I will not be able to handle the car seat on my own paralyze me.
I just put Boston down for a nap. I have an hour and a half to do something, but the problem is I find an excuse not to do any. I'm so mentally tied up with him that I can't relax long enough to let myself go and recharge. I feel stuck. I'm so in love and yet feel so empty. Of course I will continue to give everything I have to my child, but how to find the balance...I don't know. I'm over eager now for my mother-in-law to be here. Having a female voice and shoulder to lean on will be a huge relief in just a few days. Until then, hot baths and gazing into my son's eyes will surely be all I need.
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