Drove around with Boston for an hour today, not knowing where to turn. It's Friday and Jason works the evening shift, leaving at noon to go to work. I dread Friday's and Saturdays for this reason. It's lonely enough being home with an infant all day, not to mention all night too.
For most of my life, I've had to go looking for family outside my "home." Now that I've started my own family, I still feel that way sometimes. That survival switch kicks on sometimes and I go searching. But I get so tired of having to go crawling around for a place of belonging when I'm feeling down. Of all times, that's the worst to go looking for support. It just feels so terribly pathetic. Eventually, you have blown things so way out of proportion in your head that you think no place is safe to let your drama spill over.
I don't know what got me starting the day off on this foot, but it ended up looking like a quiet drive on the freeway along the foothills with a sleeping baby (thank goodness) in the backseat. I went through drive-through for lunch and we managed to kill the first few hours of the afternoon.
Friday, October 8, 2010
THings are starting to get a little easier. BOston is consolidating his sleep better which gives me larger chunks of time to tune in to myself. Yesterday, I went to the gym which felt amazing! Today, Jason is working a late shift, so it will feel like a long day without Daddy coming home to change things up a bit. But Boston had a rough night and I didn't sleep well so it's been a stay in day of watching movies and tooling around on the internet while Boston naps.
Earlier this week, I noticed it was hard for me to be content to be at home. It seemed I was anxious about not connecting with the people in my life at least every other day. But now I realize that Boston needs most of my attention and it's okay for me to be loosely connected for a period of time while we adjust here at home. It's still a stretch for me to get out of the house some days. He's still on a demanding schedule and that can usurp the fun out of any outing pretty quickly. Breastfeeding isn't hard, but it still takes alot of focus on my part and doing it in public is more of a nusance than anything. SO this week, I made it my job to read up on napping and what I should be doing for him. We've been practicing each day adn I'm amazed at what Boston has taught me. Getting results is HUGE for my confidence as a new mom! Who knows, maybe next week I'll take it a step further and get out of the house to experiment with something else. I trust my friends, especially non-moms will understand adn be patient. I don't want to be a recluse and I DO want to get Boston out, but I've got to be comfortable too so that I can enjoy the things we do. There's also the element of family time. I've learned to be more protective of that because Jason works alot and we love to have him home when he finally gets here. So on his days off and evenings when he gets home, I'm trying to put boundaries on our time as a family. I wasn't so good at doing this at first because I didn't know any better. But now I've figured out it has top priority.
Having a baby means taking it day by day because your world doesn't revolve around your plans anymore. It revolves around one very needy, very special person.