My Boy

I love the way Boston looks so intelligent when he sleeps. His lips are tightly pursed, his nose rounded and pointed up and little slivers for eyes. I pray blessings over my baby when he sleeps in my arms. It is one of my favorite things to do.
In just a few days, Boston will be 6 months old!! He is showing us how much he loves the world around him, but especially when mama and papa are in the room. He's just discovered his high pitch voice and sometimes squawks and other times whispers like a kitten. He's becoming less fragile and a little more sturdy. It's fun to toss him high in the air now and pose him like a frog in the mirror. He smiles at everything and studies anything in sight. And my most favorite thing, he's belting out "Mmmmm, Mmmmm, Mmmmmuum." I'll admit, I've practiced that with him, once or twice :)

Lonesome

Drove around with Boston for an hour today, not knowing where to turn. It's Friday and Jason works the evening shift, leaving at noon to go to work. I dread Friday's and Saturdays for this reason. It's lonely enough being home with an infant all day, not to mention all night too.
For most of my life, I've had to go looking for family outside my "home." Now that I've started my own family, I still feel that way sometimes. That survival switch kicks on sometimes and I go searching. But I get so tired of having to go crawling around for a place of belonging when I'm feeling down. Of all times, that's the worst to go looking for support. It just feels so terribly pathetic. Eventually, you have blown things so way out of proportion in your head that you think no place is safe to let your drama spill over.
I don't know what got me starting the day off on this foot, but it ended up looking like a quiet drive on the freeway along the foothills with a sleeping baby (thank goodness) in the backseat. I went through drive-through for lunch and we managed to kill the first few hours of the afternoon.

Adjustment Phase

THings are starting to get a little easier. BOston is consolidating his sleep better which gives me larger chunks of time to tune in to myself. Yesterday, I went to the gym which felt amazing! Today, Jason is working a late shift, so it will feel like a long day without Daddy coming home to change things up a bit. But Boston had a rough night and I didn't sleep well so it's been a stay in day of watching movies and tooling around on the internet while Boston naps.
Earlier this week, I noticed it was hard for me to be content to be at home. It seemed I was anxious about not connecting with the people in my life at least every other day. But now I realize that Boston needs most of my attention and it's okay for me to be loosely connected for a period of time while we adjust here at home. It's still a stretch for me to get out of the house some days. He's still on a demanding schedule and that can usurp the fun out of any outing pretty quickly. Breastfeeding isn't hard, but it still takes alot of focus on my part and doing it in public is more of a nusance than anything. SO this week, I made it my job to read up on napping and what I should be doing for him. We've been practicing each day adn I'm amazed at what Boston has taught me. Getting results is HUGE for my confidence as a new mom! Who knows, maybe next week I'll take it a step further and get out of the house to experiment with something else. I trust my friends, especially non-moms will understand adn be patient. I don't want to be a recluse and I DO want to get Boston out, but I've got to be comfortable too so that I can enjoy the things we do. There's also the element of family time. I've learned to be more protective of that because Jason works alot and we love to have him home when he finally gets here. So on his days off and evenings when he gets home, I'm trying to put boundaries on our time as a family. I wasn't so good at doing this at first because I didn't know any better. But now I've figured out it has top priority.
Having a baby means taking it day by day because your world doesn't revolve around your plans anymore. It revolves around one very needy, very special person.

A sigh of RELIEF

A brief moment to blog here while Boston is extending his nap now past his usual 2 hour feeding mark. Yippeee!
As I was cleaning up this morning, I noticed some curious characteristics about our home now...A burp cloth on every armrest, a pacifer on each counter and coffee top corner, baby blankets strewn throughout the apartment, and a nursery picked apart from the midnight-2am-and 4am feedings. But you know what makes it all so enduring? The feeling I get from bathing my cooing baby this morning with yummy smelling baby soap and gently working the lotion into his puggy little legs and arms; Brushing his soft head of fuzz while he looks up at me with pursed lips and deep blue eyes. And now, I finally reap the rewards of two long days of consoling work as he melts into a deep sleep, wrapped in his warm fuzzy nightgown. Oh, I could write baby poetry forever!
I am also sitting here, clean as a whistle. I took the time and consideration to put perfume on this morning after my shower. Normally I think, 'What's the use?' But the use is is that it grounds me again to the beautiful, alluring woman that I am yet so often don't feel as I'm slimed with spitup and bra-stains of leaky milk.
Uh-oh...The clock strikes 12...Boston is crying, duty calls.

Mommy's Best Friend

We are three and a half weeks in now and yet it feels like 3 months, simply because of the amount of learning jammed into those 3 weeks.
Breastfeeding and learning to pump a bottle has been our biggest challenge this week. Introducing the pump is like introducing a third party to your body. Amazing how a woman's body and her child intertwine in such a relationship while breastfeeding. There's a rhythm being formed there I wasn't aware of until now. What it really comes down to is taking everything in small, itty-bitty, tiny-weeny doses with your newborn. It was great having Jason feed Boston his first bottle of mama's milk, but I'm pretty sure I need to let things get in sync more before taking that next big step. I saw it affect my milk supply and not being able to satisfy my baby was a big let down (no pun intended).
There are so many things I want to write about, changes and new experiences I find in being a mom everyday. Like today, I was giving loud, silly kisses to Boston's face- lips, cheeks, eyes, ears, most of which was covered in spit up. I thought to myself, 'Only a mom would kiss the barf off her child's face!' I'm SO happy to finallly be a mom!

First Week of Newborn

It is as exhilarating and exhausting as everyone says it is. In trying to find time for myself, the best I can do is pray, take deep breaths and as many warm baths as it takes to soothe my aching muscles.
Motherhood is wonderful. I'm so in love and feel more selfless than ever. At the same time though, I'm drained and find it hard to know where to turn. Jason is so helpful here at home during his time off, but when it comes to emotional support he eventually feels inept at helping me. This morning, he is going out to take care of some music stuff. Unfortunately that is when I started to vent. It's hard for me to see him up and leave for several hours while I'm confined to a feeding, changing, sleeping schedule for Boston. And although I could get out on my own with Boston, I'm still to nervous to do that. Fears that I will expose him to too much or that I will not be able to handle the car seat on my own paralyze me.
I just put Boston down for a nap. I have an hour and a half to do something, but the problem is I find an excuse not to do any. I'm so mentally tied up with him that I can't relax long enough to let myself go and recharge. I feel stuck. I'm so in love and yet feel so empty. Of course I will continue to give everything I have to my child, but how to find the balance...I don't know. I'm over eager now for my mother-in-law to be here. Having a female voice and shoulder to lean on will be a huge relief in just a few days. Until then, hot baths and gazing into my son's eyes will surely be all I need.

Full Term

The days are going by much slower now, but the sereneness is quite nice. Since finishing my last day of work last Friday, I have made a big shift. Almost immediately, I went into meditation mode. But I think that's a natural thing for a woman heading for labor. I sort of feel like a mama bear seaching for her cave to give birth in, or like a deer seeking out just the right forest grove to lie down and have her baby.
I'm beginning to feel the tide changing, with menstrual-like cramps and "loose bowels." My appetite is mainly small and my stomach almost feels like a nervous stomach, except that I'm not nervous. I figure this is my body beginning to purge itself before the main act. The doctors say Boston is really low, head down. My cervix is 1cm dilated and 50% effaced for 2 weeks now. I'm officially full term and ready for the party to begin. And yet, I'm trying to stay focused on Boston's timing.
I'm also working on keeping perspective by not getting trapped into a 3 week mental time frame,....Patience for obvious reasons,....And presence, like being present in the moment and sucking up all the joy of the last and final stage of my pregnancy. I'm so appreciative that I can take this time away from work and focus on the most important person in my life, Boston and also my very own family unit. This is a most special time for Jason and I and I think we are doing a great job at supporting eachother and celebrating the coming of our boy. I think we are both glowing!